by S.A. Prince
I really wanted to title this, Here’s Some Things You Need To Think and Be Honest About Prior to Dating Single Mothers, but we will address both mothers and non-mothers in due time. By the end both men and women, if you are objective and honest, will have an epiphany on relationships. Men, by giving our complete attention to this issue, step by step we’ll begin to make better relationship decisions together.
Honesty. Before getting into relationships we are lacking honesty, to self and to the women we decide to court. No, I’m not saying that we are purposely dishonest, although some of us are. Simply, we are often dishonest through omission, and this dishonesty hinders us from setting standards and maintaining accountability. Both are necessary to have adequate and fulfilling relationships. How can you possibly find lasting pleasure and fulfillment in something that you yourself lack perspective of?
In a Netflix special, comedian Bill Burr addressed the male libido saying that men would have sex with 85% of the women in the audience, that it is in our genetic design. I’m not a geneticist, but I second that statement even though it makes me sound like a man-whore. Here’s the first point: The majority of the time that men date, we date to get laid, not to get married. This should be obvious, but obvious is not obvious as common sense is not common. Contrary to the popular belief brought upon by the rise of Feminism, this is in stark contrast to the reason most women, and especially single mothers date. Most women date to get married, which is just another way to say feel secure.
Stop! Before detractors stuff my inbox with messages that say, “Well, I’m not like that,” do understand that there are always outliers, but I am making reference to the median. And quite frankly, maybe you are like that and just aren’t being honest with yourself.
Because most men date to get laid, men should avoid single mothers like the plague. I repeat, avoid them like the plague, not because they are bad people, but because you have different goals. Many men befriend a single mother’s child, not because they want to be a parent, but because they want to appease the mother. This appeasing in theory should lead to the man getting sex in return, because the single mother sees this appeasing as fatherly potential when it actually is quid pro quo.
Here’s the second point: Men, unless you are willing to accept financial responsibility, stay away from single mothers. They say they don’t need your money because they have their own, but you understand that is a white lie, right? Let’s look at this logically. If you decide to court a single mother, unless you split everything down the middle, then yes, you are shouldering some of the burden. There’s money saved, and money spent. As a result of you spending money on her, it is money that she does not have to spend on herself, or money saved. And, where do you think this money goes? In theory is should funnel back into her nest, taking care of her child and home. Understand the concept of money saved vs. money spent.
Secondly, if you do decide to marry her, then the very act of marriage, which is what most single mother’s desire, is the accepting of financial responsibility for her and her child. To be fair, she also has to accept financial responsibility, financial responsibility for you.
Let’s say that prior to marriage you both make 50k. At that time, all of her 50k goes toward her nest, and none of your 50k does. Do you think that when you marry that will remain the same? Of course not. In all likelihood, her input will decrease as your resources are filtered in.
That may not be something you think of when you first meet a single mother, but do not be deceived or let yourself be led astray by nonsensical rhetoric such as “I have my own, and don’t need yours.” The same can be said of single non-mothers, and the taking on of their debt. You must be aware that if you are to be with them, these are eventualities. Of course though, most men don’t think about that, we are in it for the sex, and by the time you come to your sense, you’ve made a long term commitment to a situation you didn’t think through.
Here’s the third point: Men, you will get burned. Whether it be by the courts, or alienation by the friends you two make together, men if you get with a woman and you aren’t in it for the long haul you’re going to get burned. Hence, “It’s Cheaper to keep her.” By committing before you are ready, you set yourself up for heartache. Other than getting laid, which is all most men want in the first place, there is likely nominal benefit. It’s time to get beyond that puppy love foolishness.
My suggestion, you stay away from single mothers unless you’re truly altruistic, and ready to cut your resources in half immediately. If that’s honestly what you want, then swan dive. When it comes to single non-mothers, which will increasingly become extinct as you age, be aware that you most likely just want to get laid as oppose to commit. Just be up front about that, if not with her, then at least with yourself. Commitment fellas, is more than just something you say you are ready for. To commit to a woman, you need to have the adequate resources to properly make that adjustment. Generally speaking, you should have a home, some savings, a 401K, and be making 50k yearly before you “decide” to commit. Why? Because you need to have roots.
If you are just so enamored and are in love that you do indeed decide to be with a single mother, or are thinking about having a child, you should keep to these personal financial figures to stay afloat.
1 child: You need to be making at least 45K.
2 children: 70K
3 children: 100K
3 +: Add 30K per child.
These numbers will help you buffer any potential alimony and/or child support that you will most likely end up paying (over half of marriages end in divorce).
Ladies, to whom I have not spoken much to. If you want commitment, which most of you do, and a man does not have the above, then stay away. I would caution dating a man for potential. He needs to hit those aforementioned markers or have a solid plan to do so. You and the man you want to be with should be going in the same direction. This is why having as many life experiences as possible is important, somewhat for men, but definitely for you women. When it comes to relationships you are more decisive than us men, therefore, having many life experiences will help you be a better judge of men. Hitching your wagon to a man too early can be to your detriment. Why do you think there are so many single mothers? I could continue down that rabbit hole, but instead I’ll refer you to my other piece, The Unpopular Opinion: Deadbeat Dads Aren’t the Problem.
At the end of the day you’ll do what you feel is best, because what do I know? I’m learning and living just like you.