by S.A. Prince
When it comes to cheating, you have two groups of people.
There are those that feel bad because they got caught cheating. When you see the pain in your loved ones eyes knowing that you caused that, the shame and embarrassment is nearly unbearable.
The other group consists of the people that get caught cheating and could care less. They’ve been gone and relationship reconciliation is nearly a lost cause.
Both of these people cheat for the same reason. Something is missing. They are unsatisfied. For the first group, this can be something relatively minor, but for the second group it’s something typically obvious and egregious.
For example, the first person may have cheated on you simply because they are mad at you. On the other hand, the second person may have cheated because you all have two different worldviews, or you may not have a sexual connection and they’re seeking it somewhere.
What’s behind cheating? Think about it. If you knew that your significant other felt like something was missing, what would you do? You’d talk to them, right? So, the main thing that is missing when it comes to cheating is healthy communication. Both people must be open and willing to communicate.
Cheaters. In order to get over your cheating, you have to understand that cheating is a natural thing. Why is that? Because it is a desire of the flesh. When we give into our fleshly desire, it is easy to fall into bad habits. Whether it be stealing, gluttony, or cheating, they are all the same.
In order to get past your cheating, you need to understand this bit of scripture. Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.
It is not enough to say that you don’t want to cheat. You must subdue it. Essentially, the Bible is telling us that man shall not live by his fleshly desires, but can transcend those through meditation. In order to overcome your fleshly desires like cheating, you must always be meditating. We wrestle not against flesh and blood.
The other way to overcome cheating is to accept it. Accept that you want to cheat. Don’t hide from it. Don’t demonize it. Don’t condone it. Accept how you feel. You want to cheat.
It’s okay to feel like you want to cheat. Just because it’s a fleshly desire doesn’t mean we have to make it a Forbidden Fruit also. By making it unacceptable to want to cheat, we create a magnetic pull toward it. The very thing that we forbid and don’t want, is the very thing that we draw toward us, and it will eventually manifest itself.
You must accept that you want to cheat, and look at yourself in the mirror, and know that doesn’t make you a bad person. Wanting to give into your fleshly desires is perfectly normal.
Back to communication. Not only must you communicate with yourself, but you must communicate with those around you. Don’t overcome the desire to cheat alone. Get help from your personal community. Talk to your loved one. Inform your closest friends. See a psychiatrist. Once you begin to talk about wanting to cheat, your circle will help you find out WHY you want to cheat. It’s really hard to get down to the why you want to do something if you can’t be open and honest about it.
And loved one…You have to make it okay for them to talk to you. You have to make it okay to be vulnerable. Encourage the conversation. Make them feel safe, and when they tell you how they feel, put your feelings aside so you can have a productive conversation that gets to the why.
Saying, “Well go on ahead and hook up with that whore” is not going to help your relationship, and as a matter-of-fact, they just might go ahead and do that.
Potential cheaters, which is everybody. Help yourself out. There are two situations that you never want to put yourself into, because they make you more susceptible to the cheating desire. Recognize them.
Never settle. Ever. This is because we all practice hypergamy, or in other words, we all choose up. Given the opportunity to upgrade from the person we settled on, many people will go that route. Not all, but definitely many, and those that don’t go, they at the very least think about it. The best way to avoid this is to never settle. Don’t be with anybody just to be with somebody. Keep true to your standards.
The second situation is Personal Growth. You may not have settled. You may have gotten the person you wanted, and were happy three years ago, but now there’s some tension in your relationship. You went back to school, got a new job, have been reading, and over the last three years have made many new acquaintances.
YOU ARE GROWING. This is a good thing. You should grow. Problem is, your loved one isn’t, and that’s creating an issue. It is very possible to outgrow, and/or grow apart from your loved one. If this happens you might want to cheat. They aren’t satisfying you like you used to. My advice to you. Talk to them about how important growth is to you, and be honest that this could cause you to cheat on them. They may end the relationship. Don’t feel bad. You were likely going that route anyways. You have saved yourself some time and money.
You may be skeptical of all that I am saying. That’s okay. Just know that I am speaking from experience, both as the cheater and the cheated on. Somebody who cheats on you is in a state of suffering. They are looking for a good feeling, because the good feelings associated with you have dissipated, either partially or completely.
The best way to break your habit is to get out in front of it.
Let’s Review: Have a plan. Have people hold you accountable. Journal. Stay in constant communication with your loved one about your feelings. Accept your feeling (hopefully your loved one with allow you to be vulnerable). Meditate. Never settle. Encourage your loved one to grow with you.